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雅思写作大作文6分范文评析

2017-05-24 14:35:48来源：网络 柯林斯词典

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　　Band 6

　　Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

　　Nowadays, purpose of education being changed in Korea. There are some people who think that competition in children should be made, also others believe that children who are taught to co-operate as well as become more useful adults. There are advantages and disadvantages for both of the arguments.

　　To begin with, what is good if a sense of competition in children is made? They could develop themselves more and more as they learn and study a lot to win from the competition. To prove this, in Korea, it is popular- even common now- to have a tutor who come to student’s house to teach extra pieces of study with paying a lot of money. They learn faster than what they learn at school. Furthermore, during the vocations, students study abroad to learn English for a month instead of revise school work. If they have experiments such as study abroad, it is one of the greatest plus point to go to the famous well-known high school. Moreover, there are four big school exam and two national examinations to test students’ level of studies. Generally, only the highest 40% can go to the good quality highschools and colleges children learn as much as they can, to win the competition to obtain good quality schools.

　　On the other hand, as they are busy to enter the schools and study individually with their own tutors, there are problems. They become selfish. They become careless and don’t help others a lot if it is about studies. There will be no co-operations for them. Then, why are there companies for many people to work in? each of them are clever, however, there are weak parts and strong parts for each person. To co-operate is to improve this part. People talk and listen to what others thinking of and learn. That could also be a great opportunity to learn instead of learning alone with one teacher.

　　In conclusion, I strongly agree with that children should be taught to co-operate rather than compete. Nobody is perfect. People learn together, work together to develop each other. therefore, I want parents and teachers to educate children concentrating on co-operation, not compete and ranking them.

　　问题分析：

　　从论证大主题的角度来说，这一篇的最后的收尾是co-operation 更重要的成立的，但是这位考生在文字数量分配上缺乏规划，分配给competition的文字明显多于给co-operation的，这样就给了考官一个非常合情合理的借口扣分，实在是遗憾啊!

　　写作建议NO.5：If it is your preference, give it more reference.

　　如果你更认同那个观点，那就在这个观点上多写点吧。

　　如果我们进一步看下Body段里的细节内容，其实这位考生的语法功力和逻辑论证能力比上面那位5分同学还要差，但是这篇文章把题目中的两个方面都提到，没有犯我的NO.3建议中的错误。除此之外，文字总量上这一篇文章叫上两篇都有绝对的优势，所以再强调下数量真的也很重要。

　　写作建议NO.6：A quantitative change causes a qualitative change.

　　量变带来质变。


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